My chest tightens, I’m suffocating.
All I can imagine is hating.
My eyes fill with tears, preparing to release pure sadness.
All I can imagine is a huge, huge mess.
Everything fades blurry, I stare straight ahead, looking at nothing.
All I can imagine is pain is everything.
My lips begin to tremble, I’m losing control.
All I can imagine is falling into a deep, dark hole.
My heart loses feeling, it’s now numb, frozen, and hard.
All I can imagine is nothing will get past this guard.
My body’s stiff, it’s in shock.
All I can imagine is blending in the Earth as a rock.
What happened to my life? My soul? My spirit?
All I can imagine is I completely fear it.
I no longer feel human, I feel worthless.
All I can imagine is my world is hopeless.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Finding the Way Back Home
I feel the power deep down in my soul
I am whole
I’m coming home
To the place I’ve missed for so long
It’s like that old familiar song
Oh what is wrong, my dear
Pick your smile up off the floor
It’s time to say no more
I’ve had enough
This road’s sure as hell been so damn rough
Tripping and falling over and over
I’ve sacrificed too much, now it’s time for closure
Who are you say
It’s not my day
I don’t deserve happy
Screw your misery, you’re way too sappy
You keep doing the same things over and over
Expecting things to change
You know it’s insane
Get on board a different train
Fight your fears
With every one of your tears
Flow with the currents of the ocean
There’s no magic potion
You are all you’ve got
Don’t forget what you’ve been taught
You’ll make it through this time
You’re no longer a mime
You’ve found your voice
Now it’s your choice
I am whole
I’m coming home
To the place I’ve missed for so long
It’s like that old familiar song
Oh what is wrong, my dear
Pick your smile up off the floor
It’s time to say no more
I’ve had enough
This road’s sure as hell been so damn rough
Tripping and falling over and over
I’ve sacrificed too much, now it’s time for closure
Who are you say
It’s not my day
I don’t deserve happy
Screw your misery, you’re way too sappy
You keep doing the same things over and over
Expecting things to change
You know it’s insane
Get on board a different train
Fight your fears
With every one of your tears
Flow with the currents of the ocean
There’s no magic potion
You are all you’ve got
Don’t forget what you’ve been taught
You’ll make it through this time
You’re no longer a mime
You’ve found your voice
Now it’s your choice
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Good-Bye
Yeah I’m feenin to get in; you’re just trying to push out
Always on a different page, that’s what we’re all about
Words left unspoken, making matters worse
Always something going on, it’s like our love’s a curse
Same shit, different day
It never seems to go our way
Who were you to think, that talking didn’t matter?
Maybe if I knew, we would’ve never shattered
Who was I to think, that I controlled it all?
Maybe if I chilled, we’d make it through the fall
We sit and stare at the clock, held on past our time
We have to move on now, there’s no option to rewind
Let the pain roll in, pouring through our souls
Nothing we can do now, we have to let it flow
Gut-wrenching, tear-jerking feelings come to surface
Pictures and letters in hand before the furnace
Caught in the moment, we begin to suffocate
So we fight the feelings with strong thoughts of hate
Fire blazing through our eyes,
Smoldering our image, as we say “Good-bye”
Yeah I’m feenin to survive; you’re just trying to find laughter
Now we’re both on the first page, but in different chapters
The hands of the same author writing out our lives,
This was just a rough draft, preparing us for the later prize.
Always on a different page, that’s what we’re all about
Words left unspoken, making matters worse
Always something going on, it’s like our love’s a curse
Same shit, different day
It never seems to go our way
Who were you to think, that talking didn’t matter?
Maybe if I knew, we would’ve never shattered
Who was I to think, that I controlled it all?
Maybe if I chilled, we’d make it through the fall
We sit and stare at the clock, held on past our time
We have to move on now, there’s no option to rewind
Let the pain roll in, pouring through our souls
Nothing we can do now, we have to let it flow
Gut-wrenching, tear-jerking feelings come to surface
Pictures and letters in hand before the furnace
Caught in the moment, we begin to suffocate
So we fight the feelings with strong thoughts of hate
Fire blazing through our eyes,
Smoldering our image, as we say “Good-bye”
Yeah I’m feenin to survive; you’re just trying to find laughter
Now we’re both on the first page, but in different chapters
The hands of the same author writing out our lives,
This was just a rough draft, preparing us for the later prize.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Beauty Behind the Barbed-Wire Fence
Your words are like a barbed-wire fence, painful to the touch, and intimidating to the eye.
I see you are protecting this inner beauty; I linger around because I cannot just pass by.
For I know this inner beauty; I’ve seen it several times before.
You were once open and inviting, and with every interaction, I desired more.
You see, I’ve never encountered a beauty so miraculous; it put me in a daze.
I became mesmerized by this new discovery, I was completely amazed.
I became carried away with your beauty, and I allowed my desire to evolve into a need.
I lived off of your joy and happiness, as it quickly became the source from which I would feed.
I became enmeshed in this fantasy that you and I would become one.
Before I realized it, I took so much from you, and then you were done.
I sit there in misery and shame, as I struggle to find the reasons behind.
I thought I loved you so much, I didn’t know I was really unkind.
As I lose a part of you, I am losing this part of me.
You see, I lost myself in you, and I failed to truly see.
Luckily, you had the strength to detach from my manipulative ways.
You were gone before I knew it, it must have been days.
The most painful experience has brought me the greatest teachings.
For one, looking within myself is the main source from with I should be reaching.
Another, before I can truly love someone else, I must learn to love myself.
And no, this is not something I just read in a book on the shelf.
You see, as I discovered my own inner beauty, I found a piece of me I find unique.
That is my motivation to strive to be the best person I can truly be.
This quality I carry inside pushes me to understand,
I’m working hard to get to know myself and the situation at hand.
As I look now at your barbed-wire fence,
I am more aware, although I feel very tense.
As I long for your beauty, I remember the past.
I can’t allow myself to fall into the daze quickly and fast.
I am cautious as I continue to desire your love,
I don’t want to hurt you again like I described above.
I have this faith deep down inside; that once our true, complete selves come to meet,
There's no adversity we cannot defeat.
This knowing is carved on my heart and cannot be erased.
So please, won't you, take advantage of this opportunity and not let it go to waste?
I’m not sure of the next right move, so I will linger in this moment as I wait for a cue.
I miss you darling. I hope one day you will take down your barbed-wire fence and show me the real you.
I see you are protecting this inner beauty; I linger around because I cannot just pass by.
For I know this inner beauty; I’ve seen it several times before.
You were once open and inviting, and with every interaction, I desired more.
You see, I’ve never encountered a beauty so miraculous; it put me in a daze.
I became mesmerized by this new discovery, I was completely amazed.
I became carried away with your beauty, and I allowed my desire to evolve into a need.
I lived off of your joy and happiness, as it quickly became the source from which I would feed.
I became enmeshed in this fantasy that you and I would become one.
Before I realized it, I took so much from you, and then you were done.
I sit there in misery and shame, as I struggle to find the reasons behind.
I thought I loved you so much, I didn’t know I was really unkind.
As I lose a part of you, I am losing this part of me.
You see, I lost myself in you, and I failed to truly see.
Luckily, you had the strength to detach from my manipulative ways.
You were gone before I knew it, it must have been days.
The most painful experience has brought me the greatest teachings.
For one, looking within myself is the main source from with I should be reaching.
Another, before I can truly love someone else, I must learn to love myself.
And no, this is not something I just read in a book on the shelf.
You see, as I discovered my own inner beauty, I found a piece of me I find unique.
That is my motivation to strive to be the best person I can truly be.
This quality I carry inside pushes me to understand,
I’m working hard to get to know myself and the situation at hand.
As I look now at your barbed-wire fence,
I am more aware, although I feel very tense.
As I long for your beauty, I remember the past.
I can’t allow myself to fall into the daze quickly and fast.
I am cautious as I continue to desire your love,
I don’t want to hurt you again like I described above.
I have this faith deep down inside; that once our true, complete selves come to meet,
There's no adversity we cannot defeat.
This knowing is carved on my heart and cannot be erased.
So please, won't you, take advantage of this opportunity and not let it go to waste?
I’m not sure of the next right move, so I will linger in this moment as I wait for a cue.
I miss you darling. I hope one day you will take down your barbed-wire fence and show me the real you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I reach out willingly, with little hesitation.
Thinking I’m going to go to my mind’s destination.
Only to find a new path unthought of.
I was not prepared for this.
I just wanted to feel loved.
What did I miss?
My inner child feels threatened.
It was like showing my true self put you in danger, so you pulled out your greatest weapon.
On your defense, you criticize my action.
I did not make the right move.
It’s hard for me to accept your reaction.
I did not see another path to choose.
Sometimes I feel blind on this journey.
It’s upsetting when I make these mistakes I did not see coming.
My intentions were pure and genuine.
Can you not see through to my soul?
This is not a game I’m trying to win,
But rather an experience I’m trying to console.
Please put down your defenses and love me for who I am on the inside.
I want to be real with you. I no longer want to hide.
I realize my mistakes are a threat to you.
I admit, I’ve hurt you before,
I’m trying my best to understand what I do,
But it’s challenging to move forward when I have this open sore.
I’m reaching out, for love and affection will certainly help me recover quickly.
Will you take my hand and hold it supportively?
Thinking I’m going to go to my mind’s destination.
Only to find a new path unthought of.
I was not prepared for this.
I just wanted to feel loved.
What did I miss?
My inner child feels threatened.
It was like showing my true self put you in danger, so you pulled out your greatest weapon.
On your defense, you criticize my action.
I did not make the right move.
It’s hard for me to accept your reaction.
I did not see another path to choose.
Sometimes I feel blind on this journey.
It’s upsetting when I make these mistakes I did not see coming.
My intentions were pure and genuine.
Can you not see through to my soul?
This is not a game I’m trying to win,
But rather an experience I’m trying to console.
Please put down your defenses and love me for who I am on the inside.
I want to be real with you. I no longer want to hide.
I realize my mistakes are a threat to you.
I admit, I’ve hurt you before,
I’m trying my best to understand what I do,
But it’s challenging to move forward when I have this open sore.
I’m reaching out, for love and affection will certainly help me recover quickly.
Will you take my hand and hold it supportively?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Those who ignore history are bound to repeat it.
It's been almost 5 months since I last posted a blog, and a lot has changed for me since then. One component of my program is something called "self-work," a term that pretty much speaks for itself, but to each person self-work can carry a different meaning. For me, it means looking back on my past and discovering how my past has influenced the person I am today.
Looking back at the past can be good or bad, depending on how to look at it. It's bad if you look back and get stuck in it, but it can be good if you are able to use it to help you move forward and make sound decisions for your life.
More to come...
Looking back at the past can be good or bad, depending on how to look at it. It's bad if you look back and get stuck in it, but it can be good if you are able to use it to help you move forward and make sound decisions for your life.
More to come...
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