Monday, February 28, 2011

This is real stuff right here

I developed a plan for myself... a goal of things to add/take out of my life... and a goal of the amount of time I want to be doing this for. Some days are easier than others... but the days that aren't easy SUCK SO MUCH. I really hate dealing with my emotions right now. I feel so unmotivated and want to give up. Whenever I write blogs, I usually only write about positive things in my life, or if I do talk about negative experience, I always end it on a positive note. I think I am going to stop pretending like I am so optimistic all the time. I think it's because I get afraid that others are going to judge me or think negatively of me. I think it's time that I stop doing this and just be real with what's going on. Because the truth is, life is not always happy and easy. Life does have it's perks, but there is also struggle and sadness. If I always run away from the hard parts in life, how will I ever grow or make anything of myself? If I want to use this as a way for me to process my thoughts and have an outlet, how can I gain something from it if I am just acting superficial?

So today, it's not only raining, it is storming outside. This seems to be very reflective of my mood. I am not only sad, but I am angry and pissed off at the world right now. Some things I wanted did not go my way, and I have no control over it. I am forced to deal with it. UGHH!

I almost want to apologize for my upsetting blog, but that's another thing I'm working on. I tend to apologize for a lot of things that I shoudln't. Why should I apologize for my feelings? I need to feel these emotions and stop running away from them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Butterfly Cocoon

This thought popped into my head the other day:

Whenever people use a butterfly metaphor to talk about your transformation, describing how beautiful and wonderful you are going to be... they fail to acknowledge that you are going to be an ugly hott mess while you are transforming. That's why you are stuck in that stupid cocoon.

Before I start talking about this thought though, first, I must mention that I have a tendency to only write when I have things going on in my life that are having a significant impact on me. Hence why I have not written in quite some time.

So here I am, back in action. What's going on in my life that is so significant?? Well I'd say it's this whole graduate school experience. First semester was great! I enjoyed getting accustomed to the graduate student life, growing older and more mature, meeting new people, and getting good grades. All things I'd say would equal a successful semester. Second semester, completely different story. Professors informed us it was going to only get harder. I assumed hard to be... more work, more projects, more reading, ya know, harder "school work." Boy, was I wrong. I think they really meant, it was going to be harder both in terms of school work AND emotional I'm starting to get it.

Anyways, back to my thought. There's a lot more to this thought than simply the words.

What goes on in that cocoon before you turn into the "butterfly"? Here's my experience: At this moment, in only the sixth week of class, I perceive the most difficult challenge for me, is the challenge to be different. As a counselor, sometimes we have to have a certain posture (by posture I mean, behave in a way that will make us more effective in our role as counselor) or use a specific theory that requires specific skills, in order to meet the needs of our clients. Right now, I am being challenged to use skills that are not characteristic of me at all. These are skills that I tried to learn and use, but have been ineffective. I've never been pushed hard enough to get through the uncomfortable feelings when using these skills. Typically, when I feel uncomfortable, I have a tendency to divert the topic in conversations, run away from my feelings, and revert back to what is comfortable. But right now, I am stuck in this cocoon, and I am forced to deal with feelings and emotions that are, well, painful, and rather ugly. So this is the significant thing that I am dealing with at the moment. Trying on new behaviors and skills, dealing with stuff, and creating a new Sarah. Transforming into a better me.

One thing that sucks the most is not only do I need to be different in my role as a counselor, but in order to do so, I need to start incorporating being different in my everyday life. Hence, leading to a significant impact on my relationships, specifically with the individuals who are closest to me. For some relationships, I need to distance myself. I feel like I need to do this so I can break some of my normal patterns- the ones that are not healthy for me. It sucks because I do not know what will happen in the future because of distancing, and I need to learn to be okay with that. I saw this quote today, that I feel relates: "Our lives are like a story told one day at a time. Some of our story has been revealed; much remains. Yet life is not like a book in which you can skip ahead; life unfolds one day at a time." One day at a time. I was warned our close relationships may be affected as we progress through this program, but I didn't really think it would be a big deal for me. I figured I could get through without the struggle. But this is nearly impossible. If you want to take in all that you can, learn, and grow from the experience, you have to accept the struggle. EMBRACE THE STRUGGLE. Not something that is fun, at all.

One may wonder, where did all of this come from. How did all of these thoughts develop? I'd say it's been an accumulation of small things over the last few weeks, and one of them just turned into a catalyst of change for me. At the time, I was confused and did not know what the hell I was doing. However, as time passed, I have gained more clarity and trying to remind myself of the cliche statement, "Everything happens for a reason."

When you are distancing, how do you show the ones closest to you that you still love and care for them deeply? Certainly distancing shows the opposite effect. This is something I am struggling to find answers for. I'm almost afraid to show these emotions, because I do no want to fall of the path I just created for myself. I hope that with time, I will figure it out.

These are my main thoughts right now, but I am sure I will have more to come.

My last thought for today:
Self-growth is bittersweet, and right now, it is VERY bitter.