Friday, December 30, 2011

The Good-Bye

Yeah I’m feenin to get in; you’re just trying to push out
Always on a different page, that’s what we’re all about

Words left unspoken, making matters worse
Always something going on, it’s like our love’s a curse

Same shit, different day
It never seems to go our way

Who were you to think, that talking didn’t matter?
Maybe if I knew, we would’ve never shattered

Who was I to think, that I controlled it all?
Maybe if I chilled, we’d make it through the fall

We sit and stare at the clock, held on past our time
We have to move on now, there’s no option to rewind

Let the pain roll in, pouring through our souls
Nothing we can do now, we have to let it flow

Gut-wrenching, tear-jerking feelings come to surface
Pictures and letters in hand before the furnace

Caught in the moment, we begin to suffocate
So we fight the feelings with strong thoughts of hate

Fire blazing through our eyes,
Smoldering our image, as we say “Good-bye”

Yeah I’m feenin to survive; you’re just trying to find laughter
Now we’re both on the first page, but in different chapters

The hands of the same author writing out our lives,
This was just a rough draft, preparing us for the later prize.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Beauty Behind the Barbed-Wire Fence

Your words are like a barbed-wire fence, painful to the touch, and intimidating to the eye.
I see you are protecting this inner beauty; I linger around because I cannot just pass by.

For I know this inner beauty; I’ve seen it several times before.
You were once open and inviting, and with every interaction, I desired more.

You see, I’ve never encountered a beauty so miraculous; it put me in a daze.
I became mesmerized by this new discovery, I was completely amazed.

I became carried away with your beauty, and I allowed my desire to evolve into a need.
I lived off of your joy and happiness, as it quickly became the source from which I would feed.

I became enmeshed in this fantasy that you and I would become one.
Before I realized it, I took so much from you, and then you were done.

I sit there in misery and shame, as I struggle to find the reasons behind.
I thought I loved you so much, I didn’t know I was really unkind.

As I lose a part of you, I am losing this part of me.
You see, I lost myself in you, and I failed to truly see.

Luckily, you had the strength to detach from my manipulative ways.
You were gone before I knew it, it must have been days.

The most painful experience has brought me the greatest teachings.
For one, looking within myself is the main source from with I should be reaching.

Another, before I can truly love someone else, I must learn to love myself.
And no, this is not something I just read in a book on the shelf.

You see, as I discovered my own inner beauty, I found a piece of me I find unique.
That is my motivation to strive to be the best person I can truly be.

This quality I carry inside pushes me to understand,
I’m working hard to get to know myself and the situation at hand.

As I look now at your barbed-wire fence,
I am more aware, although I feel very tense.

As I long for your beauty, I remember the past.
I can’t allow myself to fall into the daze quickly and fast.

I am cautious as I continue to desire your love,
I don’t want to hurt you again like I described above.

I have this faith deep down inside; that once our true, complete selves come to meet,
There's no adversity we cannot defeat.

This knowing is carved on my heart and cannot be erased.
So please, won't you, take advantage of this opportunity and not let it go to waste?

I’m not sure of the next right move, so I will linger in this moment as I wait for a cue.
I miss you darling. I hope one day you will take down your barbed-wire fence and show me the real you.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I reach out willingly, with little hesitation.
Thinking I’m going to go to my mind’s destination.

Only to find a new path unthought of.
I was not prepared for this.
I just wanted to feel loved.
What did I miss?

My inner child feels threatened.
It was like showing my true self put you in danger, so you pulled out your greatest weapon.

On your defense, you criticize my action.
I did not make the right move.
It’s hard for me to accept your reaction.
I did not see another path to choose.

Sometimes I feel blind on this journey.
It’s upsetting when I make these mistakes I did not see coming.

My intentions were pure and genuine.
Can you not see through to my soul?
This is not a game I’m trying to win,
But rather an experience I’m trying to console.

Please put down your defenses and love me for who I am on the inside.
I want to be real with you. I no longer want to hide.

I realize my mistakes are a threat to you.
I admit, I’ve hurt you before,
I’m trying my best to understand what I do,
But it’s challenging to move forward when I have this open sore.

I’m reaching out, for love and affection will certainly help me recover quickly.
Will you take my hand and hold it supportively?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Those who ignore history are bound to repeat it.

It's been almost 5 months since I last posted a blog, and a lot has changed for me since then. One component of my program is something called "self-work," a term that pretty much speaks for itself, but to each person self-work can carry a different meaning. For me, it means looking back on my past and discovering how my past has influenced the person I am today.

Looking back at the past can be good or bad, depending on how to look at it. It's bad if you look back and get stuck in it, but it can be good if you are able to use it to help you move forward and make sound decisions for your life.

More to come...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"Don’t Be Fooled By Me"

Just read this story, and it reminded me of my post on Feb.28th...

Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me.

So I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me.

So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need.

You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

Iif you choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison.

So do not pass me by-- please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope.

by Charles C. Finn

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

Monday, February 28, 2011

This is real stuff right here

I developed a plan for myself... a goal of things to add/take out of my life... and a goal of the amount of time I want to be doing this for. Some days are easier than others... but the days that aren't easy SUCK SO MUCH. I really hate dealing with my emotions right now. I feel so unmotivated and want to give up. Whenever I write blogs, I usually only write about positive things in my life, or if I do talk about negative experience, I always end it on a positive note. I think I am going to stop pretending like I am so optimistic all the time. I think it's because I get afraid that others are going to judge me or think negatively of me. I think it's time that I stop doing this and just be real with what's going on. Because the truth is, life is not always happy and easy. Life does have it's perks, but there is also struggle and sadness. If I always run away from the hard parts in life, how will I ever grow or make anything of myself? If I want to use this as a way for me to process my thoughts and have an outlet, how can I gain something from it if I am just acting superficial?

So today, it's not only raining, it is storming outside. This seems to be very reflective of my mood. I am not only sad, but I am angry and pissed off at the world right now. Some things I wanted did not go my way, and I have no control over it. I am forced to deal with it. UGHH!

I almost want to apologize for my upsetting blog, but that's another thing I'm working on. I tend to apologize for a lot of things that I shoudln't. Why should I apologize for my feelings? I need to feel these emotions and stop running away from them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Butterfly Cocoon

This thought popped into my head the other day:

Whenever people use a butterfly metaphor to talk about your transformation, describing how beautiful and wonderful you are going to be... they fail to acknowledge that you are going to be an ugly hott mess while you are transforming. That's why you are stuck in that stupid cocoon.

Before I start talking about this thought though, first, I must mention that I have a tendency to only write when I have things going on in my life that are having a significant impact on me. Hence why I have not written in quite some time.

So here I am, back in action. What's going on in my life that is so significant?? Well I'd say it's this whole graduate school experience. First semester was great! I enjoyed getting accustomed to the graduate student life, growing older and more mature, meeting new people, and getting good grades. All things I'd say would equal a successful semester. Second semester, completely different story. Professors informed us it was going to only get harder. I assumed hard to be... more work, more projects, more reading, ya know, harder "school work." Boy, was I wrong. I think they really meant, it was going to be harder both in terms of school work AND emotional I'm starting to get it.

Anyways, back to my thought. There's a lot more to this thought than simply the words.

What goes on in that cocoon before you turn into the "butterfly"? Here's my experience: At this moment, in only the sixth week of class, I perceive the most difficult challenge for me, is the challenge to be different. As a counselor, sometimes we have to have a certain posture (by posture I mean, behave in a way that will make us more effective in our role as counselor) or use a specific theory that requires specific skills, in order to meet the needs of our clients. Right now, I am being challenged to use skills that are not characteristic of me at all. These are skills that I tried to learn and use, but have been ineffective. I've never been pushed hard enough to get through the uncomfortable feelings when using these skills. Typically, when I feel uncomfortable, I have a tendency to divert the topic in conversations, run away from my feelings, and revert back to what is comfortable. But right now, I am stuck in this cocoon, and I am forced to deal with feelings and emotions that are, well, painful, and rather ugly. So this is the significant thing that I am dealing with at the moment. Trying on new behaviors and skills, dealing with stuff, and creating a new Sarah. Transforming into a better me.

One thing that sucks the most is not only do I need to be different in my role as a counselor, but in order to do so, I need to start incorporating being different in my everyday life. Hence, leading to a significant impact on my relationships, specifically with the individuals who are closest to me. For some relationships, I need to distance myself. I feel like I need to do this so I can break some of my normal patterns- the ones that are not healthy for me. It sucks because I do not know what will happen in the future because of distancing, and I need to learn to be okay with that. I saw this quote today, that I feel relates: "Our lives are like a story told one day at a time. Some of our story has been revealed; much remains. Yet life is not like a book in which you can skip ahead; life unfolds one day at a time." One day at a time. I was warned our close relationships may be affected as we progress through this program, but I didn't really think it would be a big deal for me. I figured I could get through without the struggle. But this is nearly impossible. If you want to take in all that you can, learn, and grow from the experience, you have to accept the struggle. EMBRACE THE STRUGGLE. Not something that is fun, at all.

One may wonder, where did all of this come from. How did all of these thoughts develop? I'd say it's been an accumulation of small things over the last few weeks, and one of them just turned into a catalyst of change for me. At the time, I was confused and did not know what the hell I was doing. However, as time passed, I have gained more clarity and trying to remind myself of the cliche statement, "Everything happens for a reason."

When you are distancing, how do you show the ones closest to you that you still love and care for them deeply? Certainly distancing shows the opposite effect. This is something I am struggling to find answers for. I'm almost afraid to show these emotions, because I do no want to fall of the path I just created for myself. I hope that with time, I will figure it out.

These are my main thoughts right now, but I am sure I will have more to come.

My last thought for today:
Self-growth is bittersweet, and right now, it is VERY bitter.