I feel the power deep down in my soul
I am whole
I’m coming home
To the place I’ve missed for so long
It’s like that old familiar song
Oh what is wrong, my dear
Pick your smile up off the floor
It’s time to say no more
I’ve had enough
This road’s sure as hell been so damn rough
Tripping and falling over and over
I’ve sacrificed too much, now it’s time for closure
Who are you say
It’s not my day
I don’t deserve happy
Screw your misery, you’re way too sappy
You keep doing the same things over and over
Expecting things to change
You know it’s insane
Get on board a different train
Fight your fears
With every one of your tears
Flow with the currents of the ocean
There’s no magic potion
You are all you’ve got
Don’t forget what you’ve been taught
You’ll make it through this time
You’re no longer a mime
You’ve found your voice
Now it’s your choice
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Good-Bye
Yeah I’m feenin to get in; you’re just trying to push out
Always on a different page, that’s what we’re all about
Words left unspoken, making matters worse
Always something going on, it’s like our love’s a curse
Same shit, different day
It never seems to go our way
Who were you to think, that talking didn’t matter?
Maybe if I knew, we would’ve never shattered
Who was I to think, that I controlled it all?
Maybe if I chilled, we’d make it through the fall
We sit and stare at the clock, held on past our time
We have to move on now, there’s no option to rewind
Let the pain roll in, pouring through our souls
Nothing we can do now, we have to let it flow
Gut-wrenching, tear-jerking feelings come to surface
Pictures and letters in hand before the furnace
Caught in the moment, we begin to suffocate
So we fight the feelings with strong thoughts of hate
Fire blazing through our eyes,
Smoldering our image, as we say “Good-bye”
Yeah I’m feenin to survive; you’re just trying to find laughter
Now we’re both on the first page, but in different chapters
The hands of the same author writing out our lives,
This was just a rough draft, preparing us for the later prize.
Always on a different page, that’s what we’re all about
Words left unspoken, making matters worse
Always something going on, it’s like our love’s a curse
Same shit, different day
It never seems to go our way
Who were you to think, that talking didn’t matter?
Maybe if I knew, we would’ve never shattered
Who was I to think, that I controlled it all?
Maybe if I chilled, we’d make it through the fall
We sit and stare at the clock, held on past our time
We have to move on now, there’s no option to rewind
Let the pain roll in, pouring through our souls
Nothing we can do now, we have to let it flow
Gut-wrenching, tear-jerking feelings come to surface
Pictures and letters in hand before the furnace
Caught in the moment, we begin to suffocate
So we fight the feelings with strong thoughts of hate
Fire blazing through our eyes,
Smoldering our image, as we say “Good-bye”
Yeah I’m feenin to survive; you’re just trying to find laughter
Now we’re both on the first page, but in different chapters
The hands of the same author writing out our lives,
This was just a rough draft, preparing us for the later prize.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Beauty Behind the Barbed-Wire Fence
Your words are like a barbed-wire fence, painful to the touch, and intimidating to the eye.
I see you are protecting this inner beauty; I linger around because I cannot just pass by.
For I know this inner beauty; I’ve seen it several times before.
You were once open and inviting, and with every interaction, I desired more.
You see, I’ve never encountered a beauty so miraculous; it put me in a daze.
I became mesmerized by this new discovery, I was completely amazed.
I became carried away with your beauty, and I allowed my desire to evolve into a need.
I lived off of your joy and happiness, as it quickly became the source from which I would feed.
I became enmeshed in this fantasy that you and I would become one.
Before I realized it, I took so much from you, and then you were done.
I sit there in misery and shame, as I struggle to find the reasons behind.
I thought I loved you so much, I didn’t know I was really unkind.
As I lose a part of you, I am losing this part of me.
You see, I lost myself in you, and I failed to truly see.
Luckily, you had the strength to detach from my manipulative ways.
You were gone before I knew it, it must have been days.
The most painful experience has brought me the greatest teachings.
For one, looking within myself is the main source from with I should be reaching.
Another, before I can truly love someone else, I must learn to love myself.
And no, this is not something I just read in a book on the shelf.
You see, as I discovered my own inner beauty, I found a piece of me I find unique.
That is my motivation to strive to be the best person I can truly be.
This quality I carry inside pushes me to understand,
I’m working hard to get to know myself and the situation at hand.
As I look now at your barbed-wire fence,
I am more aware, although I feel very tense.
As I long for your beauty, I remember the past.
I can’t allow myself to fall into the daze quickly and fast.
I am cautious as I continue to desire your love,
I don’t want to hurt you again like I described above.
I have this faith deep down inside; that once our true, complete selves come to meet,
There's no adversity we cannot defeat.
This knowing is carved on my heart and cannot be erased.
So please, won't you, take advantage of this opportunity and not let it go to waste?
I’m not sure of the next right move, so I will linger in this moment as I wait for a cue.
I miss you darling. I hope one day you will take down your barbed-wire fence and show me the real you.
I see you are protecting this inner beauty; I linger around because I cannot just pass by.
For I know this inner beauty; I’ve seen it several times before.
You were once open and inviting, and with every interaction, I desired more.
You see, I’ve never encountered a beauty so miraculous; it put me in a daze.
I became mesmerized by this new discovery, I was completely amazed.
I became carried away with your beauty, and I allowed my desire to evolve into a need.
I lived off of your joy and happiness, as it quickly became the source from which I would feed.
I became enmeshed in this fantasy that you and I would become one.
Before I realized it, I took so much from you, and then you were done.
I sit there in misery and shame, as I struggle to find the reasons behind.
I thought I loved you so much, I didn’t know I was really unkind.
As I lose a part of you, I am losing this part of me.
You see, I lost myself in you, and I failed to truly see.
Luckily, you had the strength to detach from my manipulative ways.
You were gone before I knew it, it must have been days.
The most painful experience has brought me the greatest teachings.
For one, looking within myself is the main source from with I should be reaching.
Another, before I can truly love someone else, I must learn to love myself.
And no, this is not something I just read in a book on the shelf.
You see, as I discovered my own inner beauty, I found a piece of me I find unique.
That is my motivation to strive to be the best person I can truly be.
This quality I carry inside pushes me to understand,
I’m working hard to get to know myself and the situation at hand.
As I look now at your barbed-wire fence,
I am more aware, although I feel very tense.
As I long for your beauty, I remember the past.
I can’t allow myself to fall into the daze quickly and fast.
I am cautious as I continue to desire your love,
I don’t want to hurt you again like I described above.
I have this faith deep down inside; that once our true, complete selves come to meet,
There's no adversity we cannot defeat.
This knowing is carved on my heart and cannot be erased.
So please, won't you, take advantage of this opportunity and not let it go to waste?
I’m not sure of the next right move, so I will linger in this moment as I wait for a cue.
I miss you darling. I hope one day you will take down your barbed-wire fence and show me the real you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I reach out willingly, with little hesitation.
Thinking I’m going to go to my mind’s destination.
Only to find a new path unthought of.
I was not prepared for this.
I just wanted to feel loved.
What did I miss?
My inner child feels threatened.
It was like showing my true self put you in danger, so you pulled out your greatest weapon.
On your defense, you criticize my action.
I did not make the right move.
It’s hard for me to accept your reaction.
I did not see another path to choose.
Sometimes I feel blind on this journey.
It’s upsetting when I make these mistakes I did not see coming.
My intentions were pure and genuine.
Can you not see through to my soul?
This is not a game I’m trying to win,
But rather an experience I’m trying to console.
Please put down your defenses and love me for who I am on the inside.
I want to be real with you. I no longer want to hide.
I realize my mistakes are a threat to you.
I admit, I’ve hurt you before,
I’m trying my best to understand what I do,
But it’s challenging to move forward when I have this open sore.
I’m reaching out, for love and affection will certainly help me recover quickly.
Will you take my hand and hold it supportively?
Thinking I’m going to go to my mind’s destination.
Only to find a new path unthought of.
I was not prepared for this.
I just wanted to feel loved.
What did I miss?
My inner child feels threatened.
It was like showing my true self put you in danger, so you pulled out your greatest weapon.
On your defense, you criticize my action.
I did not make the right move.
It’s hard for me to accept your reaction.
I did not see another path to choose.
Sometimes I feel blind on this journey.
It’s upsetting when I make these mistakes I did not see coming.
My intentions were pure and genuine.
Can you not see through to my soul?
This is not a game I’m trying to win,
But rather an experience I’m trying to console.
Please put down your defenses and love me for who I am on the inside.
I want to be real with you. I no longer want to hide.
I realize my mistakes are a threat to you.
I admit, I’ve hurt you before,
I’m trying my best to understand what I do,
But it’s challenging to move forward when I have this open sore.
I’m reaching out, for love and affection will certainly help me recover quickly.
Will you take my hand and hold it supportively?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Those who ignore history are bound to repeat it.
It's been almost 5 months since I last posted a blog, and a lot has changed for me since then. One component of my program is something called "self-work," a term that pretty much speaks for itself, but to each person self-work can carry a different meaning. For me, it means looking back on my past and discovering how my past has influenced the person I am today.
Looking back at the past can be good or bad, depending on how to look at it. It's bad if you look back and get stuck in it, but it can be good if you are able to use it to help you move forward and make sound decisions for your life.
More to come...
Looking back at the past can be good or bad, depending on how to look at it. It's bad if you look back and get stuck in it, but it can be good if you are able to use it to help you move forward and make sound decisions for your life.
More to come...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Don’t Be Fooled By Me"
Just read this story, and it reminded me of my post on Feb.28th...
Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me.
So I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me.
So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.
I dislike hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need.
You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
Iif you choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by-- please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope.
by Charles C. Finn
Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me.
So I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me.
So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.
I dislike hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need.
You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
Iif you choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by-- please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope.
by Charles C. Finn
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